Electricity hurts like a motherfucker.

I was watering the horses today, and then it happened. It was like a goddamn electrified ninja. I never saw it coming, and before I knew it, it was over. The pain was so intense I nearly soiled myself. This is not the first time that I've been shocked by the fence, but this time, it was particularly powerful.

There I was, standing in a puddle of water, when ZAP!, the electric fence struck me. I let out a loud "FUCK!" that reverberated down the valley. For a few moments, I could swear that I heard the fence laughing at me, mocking me. It took enjoyment in my suffering. That fucker. I wanted to take a pair of wire-cutters and rip it to shreds. Unfortunately, though, I don't own a pair of wire-cutters that are insulated against electricity.

With the taste of bitter defeat still lingering in my mouth, I hung my head and slowly sulked back up the hill to the house. One day, I'm going to find insulated wire-cutters, and when I do, it will be one of the happiest moments of my life.

Buster gets drunk: A recollection of events

It was late fall during 2009. It was the weekend, and I had just cashed a $500 paycheck. It was also karaoke night at my favorite bar.

I had planned on showing up 20-30 minutes early to the bar, to have a few drinks, and "loosen up" a little bit before I went up and started singing. But... I was home from work early, and I didn't have anything better to do. I cleaned myself up, and went to the bar. It was 5:00 in the afternoon. Karaoke didn't start for another four hours.

When I got to the bar, I was greeted by a cousin I hadn't seen in a few years. He offered to buy me a shot, and I'm not one to turn down free alcohol. One shot turned into another, and another, and another. Before I knew it, I was drunk.

By this time, my uncle had shown up. I'm a little tipsy, but being new to the regular drinking scene, I GREATLY overestimated my alcohol tolerance.

After talking to me for a minute or so, he offers to buy me a beer. I gladly accepted the beer, and drank it down just a LITTLE too eagerly.

I would be pissed too if someone interrupted me while I was boning.

I was at work today, and the most amazing thing happened. I got out of the bulldozer, and there they were, sitting on the edge of a puddle. Toads. Three pairs of them, and they were ALL fucking. They were so close to one another, and all of them were staring me down. Two thoughts raced through my mind...

1.) "Son of a bitch. I didn't bring my video camera."

2.) "FUCKING TOADS! AND THEY'RE FUCKING!!!"

I stood still for a moment, not knowing what my next move would be. My eyes darted back and forth between the three pairs of humping amphibians. The standoff lasted for what seemed like an eternity. Then finally, at long last, an idea hit me like a baseball thrown by a juiced-up MLB pitcher. I was going to try and poke one of them with my finger.

I cautiously made my way towards two of the romantically involved toads. The female turned and sprinted for the hillside, the male holding on for dear life, doing anything he could to prevent the interruption of coitus. Her mad dash for escape was cut short by an un-hoppable bank. Without the dead weight of her boyfriend, I suspect that she could have made it.

I decided that now was the time to make my move. I stuck out one finger, and slowly reached out and touched the male. He instantly countered with a series of fast chirps, and I, in my frightened state, fell backwards from my crouching position, landing ass-first in thick, sloppy mud.

These creatures have bested me this time, but the battle is far from over. Mating season doesn't end for a few more weeks. I will have my chance. Next time, though, I will come to battle prepared with quick reflexes, and an even quicker video camera.