Old Friends and Stale Tobacco

Sometimes when I'm alone, my mind races at a million miles an hour.

Sometimes, I think about things I haven't thought about in years.

Sometimes, I get lumps in my throat so large and for so long it feels like I might choke.

Sometimes, I sit awake all night and smoke cigarettes until the nicotine stings my tongue and burns my throat, and then I smoke some more until the ashtray on the porch overflows.

Occasionally, I remember what it was like a few years ago, when it felt like I had the world in the palm of my hand.

And every once in awhile, I wonder how it all went so wrong so quickly.

Those three apartment buildings were our own little world. They were our salvation from everything that was wrong with our lives. Our own little quiet community in the heart of a busy city that never seemed to stop moving. There were a couple hundred of us, I guess. We all got along with each other fairly well, with the exception of one or two people. I didn't know it then, but what was to come would be the best two years of my life.

It wasn't long before we banded together into our own tightly-knit groups. Mine was comprised of about 4 other people, and they were the best friends anyone could ask for. There were two girls in particular who felt like sisters to me.

Kari had a small studio apartment to herself in the basement of my building. She was a tall, pretty Italian girl with a knack for fashion and a sarcastic attitude. I knew we'd be friends after spending 5 minutes with her. It seemed like I spent every night at her place, talking with her until we'd run out of things to say, then we'd share some food (and maybe a little alcohol), and I'd fall asleep on her couch. Sometimes, after we smoked a little weed, we'd search our apartments together for loose change, and when we came up with a few bucks, we'd walk the long journey to the twenty-four hour 7-11 and buy junk food. We had our fights like everyone does, but it was never long before we made up.

She was terribly afraid of bugs. I remember her calling me in the middle of the night to come squish whatever happened to be crawling on the floor. I remember the smile she got on her face when she called me her protector.

My favorite night with Kari, we got drunk and cleaned her apartment. We listened to Hello Goodbye on the stereo, and when the CD was over, we listened to The Postal Service. We drank some more, and then we cleaned again. When it was all over, she changed into her yellow Spongebob shirt and green pajama pants, and went to bed. I made fun of her for the Spongebob sock she wore on her hand. Then she told me it was because she had a thumb sucking problem when she slept, and I felt like an asshole. But she forgave me for it, like always.

She'd make me coordinate all her outfits for her. When I finally asked why she needed me to, she told me it was because I had to approve of everything she did, or she wouldn't do it. It was one of the sweetest things anyone's ever said to me.

Kari moved to a different apartment complex after the first year I was there, and after that, I didn't really know what to do with myself. We still saw each other and did things together, but not nearly as often. There was a huge empty space in my days, and I didn't know how to fill it. My best friend was all but gone, and I missed her before she even really left. But I found another friend shortly afterward, and it was entirely accidental.

Samantha was one of those girls who is so beautiful it makes you nervous just being in her general vicinity. The kind of girl who speaks to you, and makes you trip over your own words trying to find a response. I had never met anyone like her, and I doubt I ever will.

My girlfriend had just revealed that she had cheated on me, and I was having a really rough couple of days. The night after her confession, I was hanging out with a few of my other friends, and a new neighbor, a kid named Cody. Sam was there. After everyone had left, I sat down in Cody's recliner, and he and Sam were on the couch. I don't remember how we got on the topic of my girlfriend, but once I started talking, I didn't shut up. I must have talked for hours. I thought they'd get fed up with me, but they just kept listening. When it was all said and done, I felt a lot better about myself. It was then that Sam said she was there for me if I ever needed anything.

We spent a lot of time together after that. We'd smoke weed sometimes. We'd find someone who was of age, and we'd have a few beers. We watched a lot of movies together. She'd make me listen to her music, and I'd make fun of her for it. Then, she'd listen to my music, and make fun of me. Every night, she'd ask me to rub her feet. Sometimes it annoyed me, but I'd always give in when she showed me the puppy-dog eyes and the little pout on her face.

We'd stay up all night, sit on the picnic tables in the courtyard and share cigarettes. We'd lose track of time together. She was always there when I was having a bad night. Some nights were harder than others for me, and no matter how many times I called her, she always tried to help me the best she could. I'll always love her for that. I expected her to get tired of me and just refuse to help anymore, but she never did.

The day I had to leave was the worst day of my life. I knew I'd be leaving my best friends behind, and that I'd be going back to a life I hated. Those apartments were my refuge from all that was wrong in my world, and once I left them, I knew that all my old problems would come back.

When I told Sam that I was leaving, I saw tears well up in her eyes. Just seeing that made all the pent up emotions in me come out. I tried my hardest to not cry, knowing that if I did, we'd both collapse into a puddle of tears. When the truck pulled up, I felt lower than shit. The ride felt longer than it had ever been before.

I made repeated attempts to go back, but they never worked out. I'd go back now, but it's been too long. I fear that it's changed too much. They aren't the same people they were then, and I'm not the same person I was, either.

If we met again, I'd grab a couple six packs from the tavern up the street. We'd drink at Sam's place. We'd lay on a patch of grass in the park and count the stars until we reached numbers higher than we've ever counted before. We'd talk until our mouths were so worn out they'd refuse to speak. We'd make one last run to 7-11 and buy more junk food than we ever have before, and finally pay back that 25 cents we owe to the hairy, pimple-covered cashier. I'd sleep on one of your couches like the old days, and when we woke up, I'd buy you both breakfast from anywhere you wanted.

Kari, I'd smash all the bugs in the world for you. I'd buy you every Spongebob toy, decoration, and clothing item there was. I'd tell you every shitty joke I've ever heard. I'd clean your entire apartment AND furnish the booze. I'd organize your shoes and coordinate every outfit you'd wear for the rest of your life.

Sam, I'd rub your feet until my fingers ached. I'd buy you every carton of Pall Mall menthols I could find. I'd buy you enough beer to last you for the rest of your twenties. Then, we'd smoke some weed and talk like old times. I'd listen to your music, and I wouldn't even make fun of it.

I don't know if you'll ever read this, but you two were my entire life for two years. I still love you like you were my family. I wish things could've been different, but they aren't. If I could go back to that time, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have left. Things would still be the same as they were before. Nothing's the same without you two.

I miss you more than words could ever describe. I'm sorry things had to be the way they are. I'd give everything I had to change it.