I fell down the basement steps on Friday. I sprained my ankle. I can barely walk on it. What really pisses me off, though... The reason I was walking up the steps was because I cut my leg. Then I had a cut on one leg AND a sprained ankle on the other.
Then, Saturday morning, I cut the leg with the sprained ankle. On Saturday afternoon, my cat decided to scratch the living hell out of my right arm. Saturday night, I burnt myself on a rock near the campfire. I cut my neck really bad shaving this morning.
Right now, I've got band-aids covering like 56.248769% of my body, PLUS an Ace bandage. I wonder what injuries tomorrow will have in store for me? The way I'm going right now, it'll probably be something involving heavy bleeding, and possibly a tourniquet.
This is the least fun Memorial Day weekend I've ever had.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
The Twilight Movies Suck.
I was gonna write a long rant about why the "Twilight" movies suck, but it's been done by everyone and their mothers (with the exception of those damn "Twilight Moms". While I'm on the subject, if it was a bunch of 40 year-old MEN screaming about how much they wanted to bone a 17 year-old GIRL, somebody would call the damn cops. And women bitch about double standards. Tsk, Tsk, ladies!), so I changed my mind, and I'm not going to do it. Other, funnier people have already said it better than I can.
God could've picked any other orifice, and any other sound for it to make. If you do not laugh at farts, You defy the Creator himself!
It seems that I have eaten something that doesn't agree with me. I've farted more in the last 3 hours I've been awake than I did in the entire year of 2009. I didn't go to work today, because the goddamn rain won't let up. There are things I need to do today, but I can't go out in public. It seems like every 45 seconds, my stomach makes a brief noise, and then "BRRRRRIIIIIP!", it comes out. They smell like eggs mixed with like, green peas. I have no idea why. I haven't eaten either of them in weeks.
I let a couple loose this morning, mom smelled them, and she immediately fled the room in horror. I would've, too... but there was no way I could escape the smell coming from my own body.
Mom told me, "Maybe you just have to poop."
When I said I didn't, she countered with "Give it a few minutes, you'll have to."
"MOM! I don't have to poop!"
"Yes you do. I know how your body works. Don't forget, Buster... You're my son, and I've had to deal with you doing this EXACT same thing for 22 years." I love the extensive conversations my mother and I have about my bowels. Charming, isn't it?
Three hours later, and I still haven't pooped. I guess she doesn't know as much as she thinks she does, DOES SHE!?
Today, I've experienced every kind of ass noise I can think of. I've fired off the following:
The Rimshot- Two short bursts followed by one higher pitched, short poot.
The Cliffhanger- Where it's still going strong, but quits abruptly and unexpectedly.
The Anticipation- When it goes for a second, then stops for a few seconds, then picks up where it leaves off.
The Aftershock- When there's one loud, long one, followed by a few short, quieter ones.
The Frog- A short slow, low-pitched ribbit sound.
The Fly- A long, high pitched squeak noise, like the sound the use in old cartoons when they show small insects flying.
And finally:
The Triplet- Three consecutive farts in short intervals, of identical length and pitch.
I hope you've had fun discussing the workings of my internal organs with me. Now, go fart in a public place. When the people standing close to you give you "The Look", simply say,
"What the fuck do you want me to do? Methane is flammable. If I hold it in I might spontaneously combust. You don't want that, do you? Guy standing right next to you, bursting into flames? I think not, sir."
I let a couple loose this morning, mom smelled them, and she immediately fled the room in horror. I would've, too... but there was no way I could escape the smell coming from my own body.
Mom told me, "Maybe you just have to poop."
When I said I didn't, she countered with "Give it a few minutes, you'll have to."
"MOM! I don't have to poop!"
"Yes you do. I know how your body works. Don't forget, Buster... You're my son, and I've had to deal with you doing this EXACT same thing for 22 years." I love the extensive conversations my mother and I have about my bowels. Charming, isn't it?
Three hours later, and I still haven't pooped. I guess she doesn't know as much as she thinks she does, DOES SHE!?
Today, I've experienced every kind of ass noise I can think of. I've fired off the following:
The Rimshot- Two short bursts followed by one higher pitched, short poot.
The Cliffhanger- Where it's still going strong, but quits abruptly and unexpectedly.
The Anticipation- When it goes for a second, then stops for a few seconds, then picks up where it leaves off.
The Aftershock- When there's one loud, long one, followed by a few short, quieter ones.
The Frog- A short slow, low-pitched ribbit sound.
The Fly- A long, high pitched squeak noise, like the sound the use in old cartoons when they show small insects flying.
And finally:
The Triplet- Three consecutive farts in short intervals, of identical length and pitch.
I hope you've had fun discussing the workings of my internal organs with me. Now, go fart in a public place. When the people standing close to you give you "The Look", simply say,
"What the fuck do you want me to do? Methane is flammable. If I hold it in I might spontaneously combust. You don't want that, do you? Guy standing right next to you, bursting into flames? I think not, sir."
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Adventures in the land of B.O.
I have a relative, who will remain nameless, who smells like a combination of human feces and wet dog. I have no idea why. It got me to thinking... There are a lot of people who are just downright DIRTY.
Even when I went to college, and lived in the dorms there were a few people in particular who stunk like MAD. I could understand if they were broke, and couldn't afford a high water bill, BUT THE WATER WAS FREE. They could've taken showers 24 hours a goddamn day, and they wouldn't have to pay a fucking penny of it.
I'm aware that most people can't smell their own body odor... but when your hair is so greasy it's matted to your head, it's time to take a shower. When everyone within a ten-foot radius of you makes the "OH MY GOD, WHAT'S THAT SMELL!?" face, it's time to take a shower. When there is ketchup on your face from hot-dogs on Friday, and it's currently Thursday, it's time to take a shower.
And while I'm on the subject, why don't some people EVER seem to brush their teeth? I've witnessed a person get a piece of apple stuck in their front teeth, and it stayed there for DAYS. I swear to god it even turned green. What the fuck. How hard is it to brush your teeth. It takes like a minute and a half if you take your time.
To anyone reading this: If you can't remember the last time you took a shower, take a shower. If you can't remember the last time you brushed your teeth, PLEASE brush your teeth. And if you haven't showered recently, do us all a favor and use some goddamned deodorant. You probably smell funny.
Even when I went to college, and lived in the dorms there were a few people in particular who stunk like MAD. I could understand if they were broke, and couldn't afford a high water bill, BUT THE WATER WAS FREE. They could've taken showers 24 hours a goddamn day, and they wouldn't have to pay a fucking penny of it.
I'm aware that most people can't smell their own body odor... but when your hair is so greasy it's matted to your head, it's time to take a shower. When everyone within a ten-foot radius of you makes the "OH MY GOD, WHAT'S THAT SMELL!?" face, it's time to take a shower. When there is ketchup on your face from hot-dogs on Friday, and it's currently Thursday, it's time to take a shower.
And while I'm on the subject, why don't some people EVER seem to brush their teeth? I've witnessed a person get a piece of apple stuck in their front teeth, and it stayed there for DAYS. I swear to god it even turned green. What the fuck. How hard is it to brush your teeth. It takes like a minute and a half if you take your time.
To anyone reading this: If you can't remember the last time you took a shower, take a shower. If you can't remember the last time you brushed your teeth, PLEASE brush your teeth. And if you haven't showered recently, do us all a favor and use some goddamned deodorant. You probably smell funny.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Things that will always be awkward around your parents
1.) Sex scenes in movies. I was 19 years old when I watched a sex scene with my dad. It was the unrated version of The 40 Year-Old Virgin, and I didn't know it was coming. I wasn't really paying attention to the movie, when all of a sudden, there she was. A woman had completely disrobed in the movie. Then, the gratuitous sex began. I had tried endlessly for my entire life to avoid this EXACT situation.
My dad looked over at me, and smiled. I don't know if he was excited about the breasts being displayed so prominently on the 36" TV, or if he saw the look of utter horror on my face. I don't think I even spoke to my dad for the rest of the night.
I'm almost 23 years old now, and I still avoid watching sex scenes with my parents. I do anything that's necessary. If it came down to it, I'd probably burn out my eyes if I had to.
2.) Knowing your parents are having sex. It's happened to everyone. Mom and dad go into their room in the middle of the day, and don't come out again. Or you wake up in the middle of the night, and hear strange noises. And no matter how old you get, you still react the same way, no matter what.
"EEEWWWW!!! OH MY GOD!!! THAT'S DISGUSTING!!! EW EW EW EW EW!!!!" Or something along those lines. It shatters your innocence, leaving you a shell of your former self. There is nothing that can undo what has been done. Maybe you deal with it differently than I do. I usually just sit in a dark corner, rock back and forth, and tell myself that everything's going to be ok. But nothing will be ok, because I know that my parents were having sex.
3.) Swearing for the first time. I was 10 years old when I first swore in front of my parents. I said "Ass". My mother's jaw dropped open. She stared at me for a moment, waiting for me to catch my mistake. When I realized what I had said, I apologized profusely. But, unfortunately for me, I found out what a bar of Dove soap tastes like. Yuck. Even well into my late teens, I was reluctant to swear around my parents.
4.) The "Birds and Bees" conversation. My dad and I were driving home from fishing when I was 13 (I guess he decided it was better to wait until I had already found out everything he was going to tell me from my friends). And started in.
"Buster, when two people love each other very much, they take off their clothes, and they sort of hug."
All I could say was "Uhh... Yeah."
I endured the next half an hour of endless euphemisms and badly-explained sex in total silence. When I finally escaped from the confines of the truck and the sex talk, I was more confused than I had been about sex before the conversation started. I thought I knew everything, but I was wrong. I thought people HUMPED when they had sex. Since when do they HUG? And what in the hell do birds and bees have to do with anything? Are the bees having sex with the birds? And if the bees really are having sex with the birds, what the hell does that have to do with people?
My dad looked over at me, and smiled. I don't know if he was excited about the breasts being displayed so prominently on the 36" TV, or if he saw the look of utter horror on my face. I don't think I even spoke to my dad for the rest of the night.
I'm almost 23 years old now, and I still avoid watching sex scenes with my parents. I do anything that's necessary. If it came down to it, I'd probably burn out my eyes if I had to.
2.) Knowing your parents are having sex. It's happened to everyone. Mom and dad go into their room in the middle of the day, and don't come out again. Or you wake up in the middle of the night, and hear strange noises. And no matter how old you get, you still react the same way, no matter what.
"EEEWWWW!!! OH MY GOD!!! THAT'S DISGUSTING!!! EW EW EW EW EW!!!!" Or something along those lines. It shatters your innocence, leaving you a shell of your former self. There is nothing that can undo what has been done. Maybe you deal with it differently than I do. I usually just sit in a dark corner, rock back and forth, and tell myself that everything's going to be ok. But nothing will be ok, because I know that my parents were having sex.
3.) Swearing for the first time. I was 10 years old when I first swore in front of my parents. I said "Ass". My mother's jaw dropped open. She stared at me for a moment, waiting for me to catch my mistake. When I realized what I had said, I apologized profusely. But, unfortunately for me, I found out what a bar of Dove soap tastes like. Yuck. Even well into my late teens, I was reluctant to swear around my parents.
4.) The "Birds and Bees" conversation. My dad and I were driving home from fishing when I was 13 (I guess he decided it was better to wait until I had already found out everything he was going to tell me from my friends). And started in.
"Buster, when two people love each other very much, they take off their clothes, and they sort of hug."
All I could say was "Uhh... Yeah."
I endured the next half an hour of endless euphemisms and badly-explained sex in total silence. When I finally escaped from the confines of the truck and the sex talk, I was more confused than I had been about sex before the conversation started. I thought I knew everything, but I was wrong. I thought people HUMPED when they had sex. Since when do they HUG? And what in the hell do birds and bees have to do with anything? Are the bees having sex with the birds? And if the bees really are having sex with the birds, what the hell does that have to do with people?
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Electricity hurts like a motherfucker.
I was watering the horses today, and then it happened. It was like a goddamn electrified ninja. I never saw it coming, and before I knew it, it was over. The pain was so intense I nearly soiled myself. This is not the first time that I've been shocked by the fence, but this time, it was particularly powerful.
There I was, standing in a puddle of water, when ZAP!, the electric fence struck me. I let out a loud "FUCK!" that reverberated down the valley. For a few moments, I could swear that I heard the fence laughing at me, mocking me. It took enjoyment in my suffering. That fucker. I wanted to take a pair of wire-cutters and rip it to shreds. Unfortunately, though, I don't own a pair of wire-cutters that are insulated against electricity.
With the taste of bitter defeat still lingering in my mouth, I hung my head and slowly sulked back up the hill to the house. One day, I'm going to find insulated wire-cutters, and when I do, it will be one of the happiest moments of my life.
There I was, standing in a puddle of water, when ZAP!, the electric fence struck me. I let out a loud "FUCK!" that reverberated down the valley. For a few moments, I could swear that I heard the fence laughing at me, mocking me. It took enjoyment in my suffering. That fucker. I wanted to take a pair of wire-cutters and rip it to shreds. Unfortunately, though, I don't own a pair of wire-cutters that are insulated against electricity.
With the taste of bitter defeat still lingering in my mouth, I hung my head and slowly sulked back up the hill to the house. One day, I'm going to find insulated wire-cutters, and when I do, it will be one of the happiest moments of my life.
Buster gets drunk: A recollection of events
It was late fall during 2009. It was the weekend, and I had just cashed a $500 paycheck. It was also karaoke night at my favorite bar.
I had planned on showing up 20-30 minutes early to the bar, to have a few drinks, and "loosen up" a little bit before I went up and started singing. But... I was home from work early, and I didn't have anything better to do. I cleaned myself up, and went to the bar. It was 5:00 in the afternoon. Karaoke didn't start for another four hours.
When I got to the bar, I was greeted by a cousin I hadn't seen in a few years. He offered to buy me a shot, and I'm not one to turn down free alcohol. One shot turned into another, and another, and another. Before I knew it, I was drunk.
By this time, my uncle had shown up. I'm a little tipsy, but being new to the regular drinking scene, I GREATLY overestimated my alcohol tolerance.
After talking to me for a minute or so, he offers to buy me a beer. I gladly accepted the beer, and drank it down just a LITTLE too eagerly.
I had planned on showing up 20-30 minutes early to the bar, to have a few drinks, and "loosen up" a little bit before I went up and started singing. But... I was home from work early, and I didn't have anything better to do. I cleaned myself up, and went to the bar. It was 5:00 in the afternoon. Karaoke didn't start for another four hours.
When I got to the bar, I was greeted by a cousin I hadn't seen in a few years. He offered to buy me a shot, and I'm not one to turn down free alcohol. One shot turned into another, and another, and another. Before I knew it, I was drunk.
By this time, my uncle had shown up. I'm a little tipsy, but being new to the regular drinking scene, I GREATLY overestimated my alcohol tolerance.
After talking to me for a minute or so, he offers to buy me a beer. I gladly accepted the beer, and drank it down just a LITTLE too eagerly.
Monday, May 3, 2010
I would be pissed too if someone interrupted me while I was boning.
I was at work today, and the most amazing thing happened. I got out of the bulldozer, and there they were, sitting on the edge of a puddle. Toads. Three pairs of them, and they were ALL fucking. They were so close to one another, and all of them were staring me down. Two thoughts raced through my mind...
1.) "Son of a bitch. I didn't bring my video camera."
2.) "FUCKING TOADS! AND THEY'RE FUCKING!!!"
I stood still for a moment, not knowing what my next move would be. My eyes darted back and forth between the three pairs of humping amphibians. The standoff lasted for what seemed like an eternity. Then finally, at long last, an idea hit me like a baseball thrown by a juiced-up MLB pitcher. I was going to try and poke one of them with my finger.
I cautiously made my way towards two of the romantically involved toads. The female turned and sprinted for the hillside, the male holding on for dear life, doing anything he could to prevent the interruption of coitus. Her mad dash for escape was cut short by an un-hoppable bank. Without the dead weight of her boyfriend, I suspect that she could have made it.
I decided that now was the time to make my move. I stuck out one finger, and slowly reached out and touched the male. He instantly countered with a series of fast chirps, and I, in my frightened state, fell backwards from my crouching position, landing ass-first in thick, sloppy mud.
These creatures have bested me this time, but the battle is far from over. Mating season doesn't end for a few more weeks. I will have my chance. Next time, though, I will come to battle prepared with quick reflexes, and an even quicker video camera.
1.) "Son of a bitch. I didn't bring my video camera."
2.) "FUCKING TOADS! AND THEY'RE FUCKING!!!"
I stood still for a moment, not knowing what my next move would be. My eyes darted back and forth between the three pairs of humping amphibians. The standoff lasted for what seemed like an eternity. Then finally, at long last, an idea hit me like a baseball thrown by a juiced-up MLB pitcher. I was going to try and poke one of them with my finger.
I cautiously made my way towards two of the romantically involved toads. The female turned and sprinted for the hillside, the male holding on for dear life, doing anything he could to prevent the interruption of coitus. Her mad dash for escape was cut short by an un-hoppable bank. Without the dead weight of her boyfriend, I suspect that she could have made it.
I decided that now was the time to make my move. I stuck out one finger, and slowly reached out and touched the male. He instantly countered with a series of fast chirps, and I, in my frightened state, fell backwards from my crouching position, landing ass-first in thick, sloppy mud.
These creatures have bested me this time, but the battle is far from over. Mating season doesn't end for a few more weeks. I will have my chance. Next time, though, I will come to battle prepared with quick reflexes, and an even quicker video camera.
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