God could've picked any other orifice, and any other sound for it to make. If you do not laugh at farts, You defy the Creator himself!

It seems that I have eaten something that doesn't agree with me. I've farted more in the last 3 hours I've been awake than I did in the entire year of 2009. I didn't go to work today, because the goddamn rain won't let up. There are things I need to do today, but I can't go out in public. It seems like every 45 seconds, my stomach makes a brief noise, and then "BRRRRRIIIIIP!", it comes out. They smell like eggs mixed with like, green peas. I have no idea why. I haven't eaten either of them in weeks.

I let a couple loose this morning, mom smelled them, and she immediately fled the room in horror. I would've, too... but there was no way I could escape the smell coming from my own body.

Mom told me, "Maybe you just have to poop."

When I said I didn't, she countered with "Give it a few minutes, you'll have to."

"MOM! I don't have to poop!"

"Yes you do. I know how your body works. Don't forget, Buster... You're my son, and I've had to deal with you doing this EXACT same thing for 22 years." I love the extensive conversations my mother and I have about my bowels. Charming, isn't it?

Three hours later, and I still haven't pooped. I guess she doesn't know as much as she thinks she does, DOES SHE!?

Today, I've experienced every kind of ass noise I can think of. I've fired off the following:

The Rimshot- Two short bursts followed by one higher pitched, short poot.

The Cliffhanger- Where it's still going strong, but quits abruptly and unexpectedly.

The Anticipation- When it goes for a second, then stops for a few seconds, then picks up where it leaves off.

The Aftershock- When there's one loud, long one, followed by a few short, quieter ones.

The Frog- A short slow, low-pitched ribbit sound.

The Fly- A long, high pitched squeak noise, like the sound the use in old cartoons when they show small insects flying.

And finally:

The Triplet- Three consecutive farts in short intervals, of identical length and pitch.

I hope you've had fun discussing the workings of my internal organs with me. Now, go fart in a public place. When the people standing close to you give you "The Look", simply say,

"What the fuck do you want me to do? Methane is flammable. If I hold it in I might spontaneously combust. You don't want that, do you? Guy standing right next to you, bursting into flames? I think not, sir."