Things that will always be awkward around your parents

1.) Sex scenes in movies. I was 19 years old when I watched a sex scene with my dad. It was the unrated version of The 40 Year-Old Virgin, and I didn't know it was coming. I wasn't really paying attention to the movie, when all of a sudden, there she was. A woman had completely disrobed in the movie. Then, the gratuitous sex began. I had tried endlessly for my entire life to avoid this EXACT situation.

My dad looked over at me, and smiled. I don't know if he was excited about the breasts being displayed so prominently on the 36" TV, or if he saw the look of utter horror on my face. I don't think I even spoke to my dad for the rest of the night.

I'm almost 23 years old now, and I still avoid watching sex scenes with my parents. I do anything that's necessary. If it came down to it, I'd probably burn out my eyes if I had to.

2.) Knowing your parents are having sex. It's happened to everyone. Mom and dad go into their room in the middle of the day, and don't come out again. Or you wake up in the middle of the night, and hear strange noises. And no matter how old you get, you still react the same way, no matter what.

"EEEWWWW!!! OH MY GOD!!! THAT'S DISGUSTING!!! EW EW EW EW EW!!!!" Or something along those lines. It shatters your innocence, leaving you a shell of your former self. There is nothing that can undo what has been done. Maybe you deal with it differently than I do. I usually just sit in a dark corner, rock back and forth, and tell myself that everything's going to be ok. But nothing will be ok, because I know that my parents were having sex.

3.) Swearing for the first time. I was 10 years old when I first swore in front of my parents. I said "Ass". My mother's jaw dropped open. She stared at me for a moment, waiting for me to catch my mistake. When I realized what I had said, I apologized profusely. But, unfortunately for me, I found out what a bar of Dove soap tastes like. Yuck. Even well into my late teens, I was reluctant to swear around my parents.

4.) The "Birds and Bees" conversation. My dad and I were driving home from fishing when I was 13 (I guess he decided it was better to wait until I had already found out everything he was going to tell me from my friends). And started in.

"Buster, when two people love each other very much, they take off their clothes, and they sort of hug."

All I could say was "Uhh... Yeah."

I endured the next half an hour of endless euphemisms and badly-explained sex in total silence. When I finally escaped from the confines of the truck and the sex talk, I was more confused than I had been about sex before the conversation started. I thought I knew everything, but I was wrong. I thought people HUMPED when they had sex. Since when do they HUG? And what in the hell do birds and bees have to do with anything? Are the bees having sex with the birds? And if the bees really are having sex with the birds, what the hell does that have to do with people?